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29 October 2009 @ 11:49 pm
Writer's Block: Take the pain away  

If you could say anything you want to the person who has hurt you most in life, what would it be? Did you ever confront them? Why or why not?

I saw this writer's block and couldn't *NOT* say something. Timing was too right.

I have tried to confront her. I have tried to tell her how much her inconsiderate nature hurts me. I have tried sharing blame, placing blame, getting angry, ignoring my anger, planning, scheduling, rescheduling, bargaining, crying, lending things in hopes of having a reason to see her again, saying I love her at any point I think it hurts too much to be without her, telling her I love her when I am feeling great, emphasizing what she means to me to reassure us both it isn't over, trying to protect her, trying to defend her in the face of all skepticism from those who do and don't know her, hurting myself, hurting others I love...all of it. There are only so many times you can do the same thing and expect a different result without being called clinically insane, and I think most people would tell me that on the subject of her, I would qualify with flying colors.

When cries fall over and over on deaf or insincere ears, you need to stop saying anything. Cut it off like a cancer before you are left with nothing.

At this point, this is what I would say:

"You eat at me like a cancer and I wonder why I can't seem to care for being hurt anymore by giving it another go that you will never fucking commit to or show up for. Frankly, I wonder why as well. I have to stop making allowances for you that you use to step all over my feelings and dignity. I have to stop enabling your behavior. I know that some of that money I lent you must have gone to drugs, but you think I am too stupid to make these connections about your absence and your dramatic shifts in lifestyle. You wonder why I don't find it ok that I can text you and wait for days for a reply and then get all "concerned" (read: terrified that I might break my leash) when I have had enough of that shit and do the same. Lo and behold, the only time you make any effort at all in our relationship is when you are scared that I am over it and might not be there on my leash as a fall-back. Well, I think it is time I break the leash. There was a time that I knew I was your little convenience pet or loyal dog or whatever and was, for many reasons, completely ok with it. I think I was happy just to be near you, but now I wouldn't even get that. At this point, your illustrious presence is no longer a fair trade for my fucking dignity as a person anymore. I will never stop loving you somewhere inside me, but I can stop trying to be cared for back when you obviously don't respect me as a person or think I am worth the time. The best I can hope for is that I will not worry about you every day anymore, just time to time.

You felt like so much a part of my identity for so long. The thought of being without you still terrifies me on some level, until I realize I have been living without you pretty much a year now and seem to be on the up-and-up and developing as a separate person. There was a time that I thought we were two parts of the same whole, that we needed each other to be who we were and that there would never be a point where we were apart. Hell, we even *called ourselves* a single person before. It was a big joke with us, but I guess the irony of it was the falsehood of the punchline. To add to the creep factor, we always seemed to know when something was amiss with the other and often crossed texts at the same time. (Hell, even now you texted me *exactly* as I began to write this. I guess you could feel that I was cutting the red thread from the tremors on the string as I decided to pull away...) I always knew when something was wrong with you because I would feel sick. When you had the trouble with Colin in high school, I got a shiver and you texted me right after. When you got into the car accident, I was nervous as a cat all night and then I got the news. When we were in the dark time in high school, we would text each other saying we were upset and hurt ourselves and the other would have just done the same, in some cases, even in the same place.

Despite this, we were so different in so many ways. Your mother saw it clearly when she told me one day, 'You are like water to her. She rages like a wildfire and I appreciate you being here to calm her back down.' She told me she thought I was meant to be a part of your life because you needed me, but she never implied that I needed you.

And you did. When you needed a job, you asked me to see if I could find one for you at mine. You didn't just talk to me to talk. You knew I could be useful and wanted to exploit that. It wasn't just then, but so many other times. You set up to meet with me one day, but of course, you used it as a way to ask me to lend you money, which I did, which was never repaid with any effort. I don't by any means believe that all friendships have to be 100% even-steven across the board or that debt indicates a lack of equality, but in this case, it kind of shows a lack of respect or effort that I can't really ignore. I was just setting out to live my new life on my own, and you never once seemed to think it might have been a big deal for me to lend it when I would have my own bills to pay, even when I asked you to pay it or told you that I was hungry, without gas, or behind on a bill. No effort at all. And sure, there were times when you helped me too with gas or things like that, but I got you coffee the next time we would meet to pay it back or something. I wasn't perfect and neither were you; that isn't really as relevant as the core of it.

The core should be obvious. It should have been to me when EVERYONE I consulted on the matter was in unison with the fact that I needed to stop this relationship. It was obvious to the girl I grew up with my whole life, but she continued to be patient and reiterate her advice no matter how many times I asked her about the exact same issue. It was even obvious to my parents, who I hid so much of our relationship from. Even Twon, who tries to have faith and find good in all people, seemed to cringe slightly whenever I was optimistic about seeing you sometime after work, only to return home trying to keep my cool and stop wasting my feelings on someone who refused to show any genuine feeling for me.

The core is dignity and you have done a damn good job of making me forget that I ever had any of it to begin with, but there are so many others who seem dedicated to helping me find mine again. There was a time when I would gladly trade my last scrap of it to maintain even the most meager relationship with you because you were something extraordinary in my life that I never wanted to let go of, but eventually reality leaked in to our little world and revealed what I was really clinging to; an unfeeling, cold thing that I held in the image of something I once loved. The you I knew wasn't really there at all anymore. Why try to love something that won't love you back for real?

Good luck. I hope you find what you are looking for, but I hope to God it isn't me until you realize what your choices cost us both."

Current Mood: indescribableindescribable
Current Music: what else is there?--royksopp
D: penguinsdgirl1300 on November 1st, 2009 09:43 pm (UTC)
I feel this way about so, so many people.
Kit Twonkie Snicket: darkinvadertwinkie on November 2nd, 2009 06:58 am (UTC)
Sucks, huh?